Tuesday, May 01, 2007

What do you want from me?

You have the heaviest hands.

Im having problems.
Problems with my heart.
Im scared...
I wake up to my pulse in my ears
and sometimes feel as if the blood is running out of me.

At least now mum is allowing me to go to the doctor.
But now its becoming harder and harder to lie.

Its surprising that I am not better at this by now.

Doctors in general scare me.
Their hands are heavy as well...
they remind me of his,
of theirs.
Their fingers are cold, freezing, and make me shake.
He doesnt like the fact that I am 85 pounds.
He doesnt like the fact that I shake,
or do not look him in the eyes.
He sighs when I cry in front of him.

They are all sort of the same.

I do not and can not trust anyone.