Saturday, January 06, 2007

raw



This will be short, choppy and unedited.
I just need an outlet. Help me.


Aside from everyday people, old school peers and drunken men, showers also mock me.
I scrub and scrub and stand constantly under the water and can never feel clean enough...
and worst of all
I can never get their smell
mostly his smell off of me.

I just keep telling myself
its all in my head.

In the year 2007 I have:
showered 17 times
washed my clothes 9 times
washed my hair 10 times

it will never go away.

I have never learned to ask for help. Ive been so sad for so long and its getting to me.
I am in a constant tailspin, an awful descent.
Someday, somewhere it has to end.
It has to end.
It has to go away.
Someday I will write in ultimate past tense.

Someday I will be able to write that I once knew a wolf.
One who left scars with his claws and bruised my wrists.
He would whisper things in my ear, kiss me with his jagged teeth and tell me no one would ever own me but him.

I did the unthinkable. I cried. I cried so much as I cleaned my sheets. His fingers were always cold and his breath was hot and I seemed to learn silence and compliance quite quickly.

The predator would fall upon the throat of his prey, puncturing soft tissue and bone fragments. I lay still for hours underneath his weight, and feigned sleep but his hands tore me open in rough indifference.



This wolf, this haunting wolf only led to more.
They stick to their pack and share bad habits.
I knew more wolves after that, one in particular who liked me quiet and depleted. Who put his hands everywhere and looked me in the eyes way too much.
They all leave me the same way.

Laying on the living room floor devouring oxygen at mass speeds. I dont eat for days and the world always spins rapidly beneath my closed eyelids. I read about poets quite often and wonder if one day I will somehow be admired for these scarred wrists and frail breaking bones.

I doubt it.

Mother screams 'move on'
and I say 'I cant'
but she wont hear it.
She doesnt accept failure.

Dear mum,
Please dont leave me in the room alone with sharp objects.
I am limp and dying inside.


I feel as if I will always be running from something.



twirling before his new years party:
[which was filled with drunken men telling me to refill their brandy glasses]


"slut"



17 Comments:

Blogger The Wandering Author said...

Ischelle, hang on. Someday, you will write in the ultimate past tense. Someday, you will be admired for your poetry, which the wolves cannot tear from you.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Susan Abraham said...

Ischelle, I actually feel you're helpless...I don't know what is going on but I feel horrified.
Do you want me to alert a professional organisation to your blog if you feel you can't do this?
Please let me know. I am almost on the brink of this.
You must want to get help...to come out...to be healed...it won't go away...you must yourself push the demons away, say no more, mean it...and they will go and take steps to get out of your situation if it still stays abusive in any way.
I assume it's all true. So how can I just watch this happening, say sweet words and not do anything?
with love

12:58 AM  
Blogger Debi said...

Ischelle - do you know about the domestic violence helpline? 0808 2000 247. It's a free 24 hr phoneline where you can talk about what's happening to you. They won't nag you and they won't try to persuade you to do anything you don't want.

Wandering Author is right - please hang on in there!

2:54 AM  
Blogger RomanceWriter said...

The second photo is really lovely.

I do ache when I read about how hurt you have been. I am glad, though, that you have this forum to express yourself in.

I hit a turning point myself, in my sitution, when I put the blame on the one who deserved it. And that is not you.

Get mad. It will feel great and might be the first step to freedom.

Hugs and Love,

Sara

11:34 AM  
Blogger Ana said...

I hope you don't mind that I added a link to your site on my blog. My artwork/poetry uses myself as the source. Whatever happens in my life comes out in the work. Its this kind of honesty that makes you vulnerable to the world, but it is also what connects you to it. I identify so much (for different reasons) with your "raw" sincerity. So Powerful. You are brilliantly talented. Your words touch that place within us all that needs healing, whether from actual physical or emotional wounds. Keep writing, it will be your salvation. I wish you the very best and hope that you can find the strength to nurture and nourish this incredible gift you possess.

Thank you,
Ana

6:54 PM  
Blogger Susan Abraham said...

Not to worry, Ischelle.
Thanks for coming back to me.
I'm here anytime.
abrahamsusan2003@yahoo.co.uk

8:09 PM  
Blogger The Wandering Author said...

Ischelle, I am so worried for you, and so afraid of doing anything that might make your situation even worse, that I have no idea what to do.

But, please, hold on to one thing. Sara is right: you are not to blame for anything. All the horrors you experience are not your fault, they are the fault of those so cruel they visit them upon you. They are to blame. Only they are to blame.

10:38 PM  
Blogger crimsonflaw said...

Dearest ischelle,

RAW ... was absolutely brilliant. Your work is above mere analysis or casual inspiration. I was struck by the smoothness of the thought as it thawed itself into the bleeding words ...

this was perfection ischellle..

these wolves.. will choke on their own howls ...

and you my friend.. you are stronger than them.. stronger than the whirlwind that has caught up with you... it has to end ... ischelle ... my prayers are with you ...your art will vindicate itself in the ultimate past tense

i miss you my friend...you are purer than the space yuou write upon... and they can not infect your soul...your bruises and your wounds will heal my friend...just remember you are stronger than them...



all my love
shakir

7:06 PM  
Blogger crimsonflaw said...

you are my hero ischelle...

7:12 PM  
Blogger writerwoman said...

Stopping in to say hello. Hoping you are doing well today. You stay in my thoughts, Ischelle.

Hugs,

Sara

6:01 AM  
Blogger Brian Kastel said...

Visit this blog: Home Sweet Home. The author has dozens of links that can help you, Ischelle. I'll be praying for you.

6:53 AM  
Blogger writerwoman said...

Hello again ischelle. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hoping you are happy.

6:52 AM  
Blogger writerwoman said...

Stopping in again to send you good wishes and let you know I pray you are doing well.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

A true captivating poem.

9:41 AM  
Blogger RomanceWriter said...

Wanted to stop by and say that I pray all is well with you.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Nothingman said...

Yo are u alive?
or have you forgotten this blog !:P


I liked reading what u wrote...

3:54 AM  
Blogger Shell said...

your writing is amazing and disturbing. if you are in hell now then it leaves the reader helpless, stripped of power as are you ... if you are looking back on hell from your own Light then i'd be relieved and maybe able to sleep at night ... i read some of you a couple of weeks ago and have worried about you ever since.

5:50 AM  

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