Thursday, July 13, 2006

Forgive me for writing this.

"are you ready?"

I dont understand the question.
But I dont say that.
I say nothing still.
I twitch. I whimper. I flinch.
Its strange when sad little Ischelle attempts to put up a fight.
I couldnt say much if I wanted to.
Your hand has been keeping me from breathing for quite a while now,
and I am crying pathetically on the sheets.

My eyes, my arms, my heart..they sting.
These tears that I am crying,
I feel like they are drowning me.

It happened at work. Lie.
It was a complete accident. Lie.
Wow I didnt even see it there. Lie.
I cant even remember how it happened. Lie.
Im just worried the doctors wont fall for it this time.

I am not that girl anymore.
The one begging strangers, begging him
to leave her be, to let her sleep at 2AM.
I dont think I can be her again.
She is completely gone. And we have cut off all correspondence.

I never seem to learn.
It seems that mum is correct, I never ever seem to learn.
Sometimes it still becomes unknown to me that he is stronger.
That I eventually fall limp from exhaustion.
Who do I think I am?

The hands are always the same.
Rough, heavy.
My face seems to disappear and my mind soon follows.
His fingers always cold like steel.
Invasive yet completely impersonal.

I clench my teeth and my heartbeat hurts my ears.
bump bump bump
thump thump thump
fast fast
Counting one, Counting two, Counting three, four five...
"Look at me Elly....look at me."
"Dont cry Elly...dont cry."

One hundred and eight, nine, ten.
When I open my eyes, the sheets stick to my skin.
The pillow cases are salty and wet.
I tremble and wrap the blankets closer.
This is when I truly wish to disappear.
To go meet this man by the name of God.
And ask him why.
And tell him my name is Ischelle.