Saturday, April 07, 2007

Back, Forth, Back Back Forth.




Hope.
It seems to be hard for me to grasp these days.

Things have been different.
Changing.
Not necessarily good, or bad.
Just different.

Different faces, less faces, more control.
The monster all of a sudden decided he has a jealous factor.
Now there are less faces.


I have found it hard to eat lately.
Harder than usual.
I havent really had an appetite since Etienne left us, left me.
It became less when we moved to the states.
Less when the monster brainwashed my mother.
And now it doesnt exist.
Cannot be found.

Maybe it is because I try not to be seen.
Spend all day hibernating.
I have too much
I sort of forget about eating.

But I need to.
I need strength,
and lately I have had none.
Ischelle has just been shrinking,
shrinking and achieving disappearance.
The less I am, the less there is.
The less there is, the less can hurt.
Is this Ischelle giving up?

20lbs in 30 days
I need substance.


8 Comments:

Blogger crimsonflaw said...

dearest ischelle, selfishly i read through your beautiful words committing them to that vicious instinct that looks for art in everything that has gone wrong. I do not know whether to appreciate the beauty of the monologue that haunts your expression making itself real with the many veils and verities of your solitude.

i miss you. your words, wherever they are, exist as my friends and i am always there for u. i do not know wht i have written here...there was just this need to tell you that you are deeply loved understood and missed. understanding is a very fluid concept. it has its fissures and scars in the dream state and can disappear very well into the medium of tears...

your friend, etienne'S friend,
shakir

1:01 AM  
Blogger crimsonflaw said...

CORRECTION


I do not know whether to appreciate the beauty of the monologue that haunts your expression making itself real with the many veils and verities of your solitude OR TO end this sentence as an unfinished tribute to your courage and depth.

1:03 AM  
Blogger Debi said...

As always, Ischelle, your words are full of power and raw beauty.

I hope they also bring healing.

3:50 AM  
Blogger The Wandering Author said...

Ischelle, your words have power and beauty, as Debi said, and I, too, hope they bring healing.

I understand how hard hope can be to grasp; there have been times in my life when hope felt like nothing more than a cruel taunt. And I suspect those times would seem to you better than many of the times you've known.

I have no right to urge you to hope in a situation in which you see none. Yet I trust you will understand my goodwill when I say that I pray, with all of my heart, that real hope will be revealed to you, that your situation will improve in a real way, so that you may seek and find all the strength and substance you need.

I wish I were a better writer, that I could find a way to put that strength and substance into words and somehow pass it on to you, but I'm not...

10:45 AM  
Blogger RomanceWriter said...

Sweet Ischelle, first of all I send you hugs. I think of you often and hope that you are having a safe day, a good day, wherever you are.

If you wonder if you are important to anyone...you are. You matter to the people who read this. I think you have amazing talent and I would hate to see that taken from this world.

To eat, to run, to fight, is to say that you to think that you are important and worthy of life.

As we grow older it does become easier to claim our own space in this world. I am 29 now and I am much different than I was in my early twenties. It gets easier and even the worse of pain and heartbreak and crimes against us does lessen in time.

There is always something to hope for, to hang on for, to believe in.

Your words touch my soul. They remind me of ways I have felt in the past, even though my story is much different than yours. Still I am just a woman, like you, who wanted a safe world to live in and to lose all the sadness that clung to my soul.

I recovered, slowly, one inch at a time. You can too. You will, Ischelle.

Lots of love,

Sara

6:58 PM  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

Pain is one of the mothers of expression. So is Love.

Great blog!

4:39 PM  
Blogger Rob Kistner said...

I hope you find peace child, and a way to health!

2:35 PM  
Blogger PoisOn CoAtEd ELiXir said...

the greatest irony about tragedy is that we always have this myth that we are the only ones going through such loneliness and depression.
the greatest cheer and also, perhaps a somewhat discomforting thought is that we are not.

6:22 AM  

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